I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
Randomize
