Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
Single handedly the worst sex I've ever had just went down. Its like we both laid there after word-less thinking about the other " could they be any worse in bed" ?
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
yep. it's official. for $40 they will let you lick the stripper pole.
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
Randomize
