Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
They wont let us in. Theyve some sort of no Daft Punk costume rule
once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
