I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
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