Was just hit on by a guy with 2 kids and one was named Rocky. I need to get out of Buena Park.
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
I feel like i'm being yelled at when you type in all caps.Did you just have bad sex?
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