id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
He only uses me for sexual pleasure. The sad part is I don't even feel like a slut. I just I feel like I should just live in the top drawer of his nightstand....for free of course.
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
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