I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
We are going to need a water proof camera with a flash....exit routes....lots of booze.....and a tutu for good measure
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
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