in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
Brickbreaker makes my post drinking poops that much better. Sorry, I had to tell someone who might agree.
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
I made a side by side comparison of her Facebook pic and the chick on the anti meth billboards. Plus a ven diagram showing mostly shared physical attributes. I sent u the PowerPoint. You were sufficiently warned.
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize