the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
he yelled 'rock me amadeus!' when he came
i love that song!
NOT THE POINT
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
Randomize