My cat gives me a boner
He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
Randomize
