bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
Randomize
