dude, that girl smelled worse than the great depression.
im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
2010 has been the year of the Eskimo brother. Let's see how many igloos we can shack in next year
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
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