They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
Randomize
