God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
Yeah, she'd be cute...but she has faith. It's a problem down south.
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
Apparently love is stronger than SoCo
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
Randomize
