Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
Ya! She had a north face on tho so she was a classy hooker.
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
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