Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
