I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
while we were dancing I voluntarily took my bra off and hung it around his neck as a necklace. 2011 lets go
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
I like literally had a visual image of his penis going into your soul
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
Randomize
