I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
okay I may or may not have wrapped my body pillow up in your t-shirt and sprayed it with your axe and am now spooning with it.
again? I'm starting to get a little creeped out now.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
He made me cum 3 times, then immediately after sex packed a bowl and passed it to me. Yeah.. I'll keep him.
Randomize