my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
Are they hot? And are the slutty? These are my concerns for any wedding. You say yes, and yes, I will be your best man
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
Randomize
