the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
He came and then made the Jim Halpert face. does that say disappointment or what
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
He's hot....knda sweaty, drunk smells like feet....but he's hung like a whale....so in other words totally your type
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
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