I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
my summer class's final was canceled bc it interfered with the world cup. he is giving us all A's on it. I love europe
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
Randomize
