did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
good it was pretty cute, also what would bong water do to a puppy?
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
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