i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
You let the ASEXUAL teach sex Ed?!
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
