He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
I've got two reasons for you to come over later and one of them is pierced.
Randomize
