No she wasnt mad! I told her that I "mis-remembered" nailing her friend.
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
Sex in the corn maze.....not as good as advertised.
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
Randomize
