I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
She helped me organize my comics and then blew me. This is the one.
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
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