Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
I cant help but queef when the male extremity enters
What is a male extremity?
i didnt realize it was that long since you've had sex
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
Randomize
