getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
And it's settled. 10 months is the appropriate amount of time before having the dick pic discussion.
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
Randomize
