apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
I need a hoe opinion
go on
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Come on in and take your pants off
Randomize
