matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
Randomize
