someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
Your fb status are always so intriguing.. Often make me picture you naked
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
Randomize
