If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
From inside my college history class i see him waving his arms while holding a beer bong trying to get my attention
He is like the real live version of the state fair..
hey, when you wake up, search yourself on youtube
my sister already found it, were watching it right now. i give it 2 thumbs up.
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
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