Have fun with your cool freestyling girlfriend!
She can rap better than you any day
Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
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