Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
I'm not sure if what i'm hearing downstairs is sex or not, but if it is, it sounds like there's a dog involved...i'm mildly concerned.
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
