i stapled my math hw together with an ear ring, too ghetto?
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
I HAVE TOO MICH DICK TALKING TO ME IDK WHAT TO DO.
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
Randomize
