he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
Randomize
