ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
Is it a problem if I'm trying to condition Goodbye Horses to trigger an erection?
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Randomize
