You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
You were right. It hurts to walk today.
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
Randomize
