Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
Randomize
