So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
This girl has a mullet weave. I missed oakland.
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
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