I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
you have failed as an in class drinking partner.
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
Randomize
