I feel great
I just peed on a car
i have it on good authority that she is not as good at giving head as she claims she is
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
Keep in mind that he's 43, unemployed and living with his parents. There's really not much we could do to make his life worse.
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
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