I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
In tonight's episode of Travis' Fucked up Sex Life, Travis breaks into a building at Tulane to have sex with an attractive Asian man.
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
Randomize
