fter the third song from an iPod commercial played I realized how much that frat sucked.
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
....I found a picture of what appears to be the underneath side of the barstool (taken from the floor) and to top that, 9 pictures of the ceiling. Also, did I mention there's a picture with us posing with a pregnant lady at the bar?! WELP
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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