i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
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