I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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