Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
dude she's married.
so? a ring don't cover no holes.
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
Randomize
