help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
Randomize
