i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
the condom got lost in my hair
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
they're like a gay fantastic four
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
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