Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
Randomize
