can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
I just wanna know if were done hooking up so I know of that condom he left in my top drawer is fair game
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
Randomize
