I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
I feel like your dick pick is everywhere. Never have I needed to be so careful when posting pictures.
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
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