I don't understand how people can have that much vomit in them
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
No. I remember how loud you used to get. Trust me.
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
Randomize