i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
This is not my ceiling
You remember correctly you did get a golf cart ride out but it wasnt because you were special. You were so smashed you were screaming tiger at random golfers in the middle of there backswing.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
