I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
This guy behind me is answering all of her questions. I may give him a lapdance to take my next test for me
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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