I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
He did a backflip because drugs
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Randomize
