I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
Charles is a playa. And I don't mean the spanish word for beach.
I have fb friend requests from two random swedish brothers... Must have something to do with that hostel I stumbled into on mardi gras
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
I was just too high to be in rapids man. I just screamed for the entire time I was jostling about.
I fill condoms, not promises.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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