I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
And you kept repeating "I didn't know know that this was a no blow job zone."
i'm sitting in class and looking at who would die if all the fans suddenly fell from the ceiling. i guess i have next year to pass history..
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
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