never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
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