new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
i sucked his cock and got snuggles in return. I'm the mother Theresa of giving in a relationship.
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
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