I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
Randomize
